Dealing with sexual assault is not only difficult for a survivor; it is also difficult for the people that the survivor turns to for support. Being a supporter can be stressful and confusing. Remember that itís okay if you don't know exactly what to say to the survivor or how to help. Itís okay to be honest with the survivor ñ let her/him know that youíre not sure how to respond and ask for some guidance. Remember you don't have to have all of the answers; it may be that all the survivor in your life wants from you is somebody to listen and empathize. There are a few important guidelines to remember when supporting a survivor.
Be Patient
When supporting a survivor, it is important to keep in mind that the healing process takes time. There is no right or wrong process or timeline for healing, and each individual survivor is different. In order to begin the healing process, the survivor needs to feel like s/he is in a safe and supportive place in her/his life. It is important to let the survivor know that you will be there to support her/him in this process and that it is okay to take all the time s/he needs.
Listen
Being a good listener is an important component of supporting a survivor. Let her/him know that you are willing to listen whenever s/he needs to talk. When listening to the survivor:
- Do not be judgmental
- Validate her/his feelings of fear and anger
- Remind her/him that sexual assault is never the victim's fault
If the survivor is minimizing the experience, affirm that it is reasonable to desire to move on, but let her/him know that this was a very significant experience and it is okay to be feeling negative effects in several aspects of her/his life.
Let the survivor make the decisions
It is very important to let the survivor make her/his own decisions after an assault regarding what action to take, who to tell about the assault, etc. Even if you do not agree with the decisions s/he makes, keep in mind that s/he knows what is best for her/him. Being able to make her/his own decisions is an important part of re-establishing control in her/his life. Feeling shame or guilt around her supporters because of the decisions s/he makes will not help in her/his healing process.
Believe the survivor
One reason sexual assaults are underreported is because victims experience a tremendous amount of blame and disbelief when they tell people about their assaults. Often, a large portion of this victim blame comes from friends, family, and partners that are well-meaning and generally supportive, but make victim-blaming comments unintentionally. Questioning a survivor about how s/he tried to resist the assault ("Did you fight back? Did you say no?") or her/his actions leading up to the assault (ìWhat were you wearing? Had you been drinking?î) can come off as blaming even when you are just trying to get the facts straight.
Keep it confidential
It is important let the survivor decide who s/he tells about the assault. It may seem to be in the survivor's best interest for you to tell people - maybe s/he has a professor who is giving her/him a hard time for doing poorly on a test or maybe you even know the perpetrator, but talking to people about the assault violates the survivor's trust and once again leaves her/him powerless. Itís a good idea to suggest that s/he talk to a professor about her/his circumstances, but donít go ahead and do it for her/him.
Address Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
It is not uncommon for survivors to engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms during the healing process. Some examples of unhealthy coping mechanisms include:
- alcohol use
- drug use
- disordered eating
- risky sexual behavior
If you believe the survivor is engaging in these behaviors, it is important to express your concern. Let her/him know that s/he is not alone and help her/him to identify possible healthy coping alternatives:
- writing, journaling
- pursuing art, music, poetry
- spending time on a new hobby
- physical exercise
Know the resources
As a supporter, one important way to help is to have information about resources on campus and in the community as well as factual information about what to expect in the aftermath of a sexual assault.
Take care of yourself
Because being a supporter can be stressful and draining, you may need to seek support yourself. Counselors and advocates trained to respond to sexual assault survivors can also assist supporters by providing counseling or responding to any questions or concerns. Keep in mind the resources listed are also available for supporters.
